You Know You’re From California When…

  • The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
  • You were born somewhere else.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
  • Your car has bulletproof windows.
  • Left is right and right is wrong.
  • Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
  • Your mouse has only one ball.
  • You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
  • You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
  • You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
  • You drive to your neighborhood block party.
  • Your family tree contains “significant others”.
  • Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
  • You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
  • You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
  • More than clothes come out of the closets.
  • When “the Dead” are best live.
  • You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
  • More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
  • Smoking in your office is not optional.
  • You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
  • When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch”.
  • Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
  • Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
  • You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
  • You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
  • A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
  • When all highways into the state say: “no fruits”.
  • All highways out of the state say: “Go back”.