Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be
bathed, that somehow they “lick” themselves clean. Contrary to
this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a
variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odor as your dog’s breath.
(Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative
to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now,
this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a
trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and
total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with
a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in
the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he’s madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now
fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the
glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach
for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor
and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small
hedgehog while plotting revenge.