Things to Do at the Funeral of Somebody You Didn’t
1. Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move.
2. Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow
3. Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.
4. Sign the deceased’s name in the guest register.
5. Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the
coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can’t get
the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are
6. Bring a shovel to the church.
7. Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.
8. Put waxed lips on the body.
9. Ask the widow how long she’s been sure he’s dead.
10. Tell the widow alot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled
11. Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says “I’d rather be
12. Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.
13. Tell the deceased’s mother that you never expected them to
go in this order.
14. Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
15. Clam on the body.
16. Ask the widow if she’s going to ride to the cemetery with
17. Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they
kneel in front of the body.
18. Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.
19. Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is
appropriate to sign the coffin.
20. Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
21. Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, “I’ll bet this is
costing you a pretty penny.”
22. Ask the deceased’s mother what she was doing when she got
23. Tell the widow that the body doesn’t look comfortable.
24. Ask the widow if she’s aware of any job openings.
25. Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and
26. Tell the widow you think he’d look better on his side.
27. Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
28. Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
29. Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the
30. Put a lit cigarette in the deceased’s mouth.
31. Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
32. Wear a “Grateful Dead” t-shirt to the wake.
33. Read this list to the mourners.
34. Put a check to the deceased’s favorite charity in the coffin.
35. Sing “Tea For One” at the church.