The Top 20 Signs Your Office is Haunted

20> Well, *somebody* keeps stealing your Yoo-hoo out of the break room refrigerator.

19> Every Casual Friday when Bob from Engineering breaks out the Hawaiian shirt, the Ghost of Good Taste can be heard wailing from behind the copier.

18> Cat-hating poltergeists wipe the hard drive every time you add another Garfield magnet to your PC.

17> No matter what you do, Windows 98 simply WILL NOT CRASH!

16> You find yourself suddenly covered in slime, and there’s nobody from Marketing anywhere nearby.

15> You hear the blood-curdling groans of endless souls in hellish torment… no, wait, it’s just a standard Monday morning.

14> Craig T. Nelson has to tie a rope around your waist every time you go into the men’s room.

13> Never seems to be enough Green Vomit Cleanser in the supply closet.

12> Every time you answer the red phone in your new office, it’s Nixon wanting to talk to your Dad.

11> The cubicle next to yours is suddenly swarming with hundreds of flies and… no, hold on — it’s just your dead-for-five-days co-worker.

10> You make a fresh pot of coffee, turn your back for a second, and it’s gone!

9> You sell insurance for John Hancock — and he attends most of the board meetings.

8> One little puddle of ectoplasm shows up on the receptionist’s chair and *you* get fired for intimate relationshipual harassment.

7> AIEEEEE! It’s the Headless Tech Support Man!!!

6> Odd noises, strange scents, suspicious looks — and it’s not burrito day in the cafeteria.

5> Your scary Lon Chaney, Jr. screensaver mysteriously replaced by even scarier Dick Cheney/Junior screensaver.

4> When you photocopy your ass, the ghostly image of another ass appears next to it.

3> Every morning you walk past dozens of pale, bleary-eyed zombies wearing tattered clothes and typing line after line of code without blinking — but they don’t like Ho-Hos and Jolt Cola.

2> You could have sworn you were fellating the President, yet he insists that he did not have intimate relationship with you.

1> There’s blood everywhere and voices screaming “Get Out!”, and you’re not a dot-com business.

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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]