The Top 16 Least Cool Ways to Die

16> Accidentally stabbing yourself in the eye with a spork. Twice.

15> Buried alive beneath a collapsed pile of your rare “Party of Five” memorabilia.

14> Unemployed, wearing pajamas, eating Pringles, in the middle of typing TopFive submi$(*%&(*%&(*$&%)

13> Of starvation, alone on an island — after everyone else has been voted off it.

12> Struck by a piccolo during a band-camp brawl.

11> Shortly after opening a spam e-mail message reading, “Congratulations, brother! You may already be the new leader of Hamas!”

10> Auto-erotic asphyxiation while watching reruns of “Mama’s Family.”

9> “See, these are not wild tigers; they’re just wittle kittens who wuv to be kissed on their wittle white noses!”

8> Smothered by your own man-boobs while hanging upside-down on your kids’ swingset.

7> Crushed during a stampede at a Raffi concert.

6> Heart attack while celebrating Brian Boitano nailing a quad salchow.

5> Crushed beneath the wheels of a Nash Metropolitan driven by an old, old woman with her false teeth in upside down and a Chihuahua in a clown costume on the fake-zebra-skin-covered passenger seat.

4> Extreme old age. (Keith Richards only)

3> Fatal allergic reaction to your Klingon latex body paint during your presentation at the comi-con.

2> Having your neck snapped by a vicious slap from an enraged Clay Aiken.

1> Choking on a pretzel — but hey, what are the odds of *that*?

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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]