The Top 15 Signs You Won’t Be Giving a Commencement Speech

15> Every time you get close to a microphone, your Ethel Merman compulsion takes over.

14> “That’s my monthly Vegas weekend. Can you move the ceremony to Monday?”

13> Even a graduation gown won’t hide that ankle bracelet.

12> A great Jedi you may be. A great orator not are you!

11> You are, most unfortunately, too engrossed with unraveling the Chicken of the Sea Paradox to impart your wisdom to appetent youth.

10> “What Would Omarosa Do?” is not a hot topic right now.

9> Working the graveyard shift at the convenience store, you generally don’t wake up until late afternoon.

8> You are in the middle of a very important court case. Also, you live with a chimp.

7> You were class valedictorian, only without the “vale” or the “torian.”

6> Your crowning achievement is membership in ClubTop5.

5> Not only are you a proud C student, but three years in, you still pronounce it “nook-culer.”

4> The only thing you’re about to commence is 25-to-life.

3> You can’t even look at tassels without waving a folded-up dollar bill in the air.

2> No shirt, no shoes, no speech.

1> Your highest “degree” is an honorary mail-order GED.

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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]