The Top 15 Signs An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance

15. Get “psyched” before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he’s on the chess team.

14. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.

13. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year’s French Open.

12. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.

11. Swimmer’s refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.

10. His red and yellow jersey reads, “Track Cartel de Colombia.”

9. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.

8. Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.

7. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.

6. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.

5. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.

4. According to the urine test, he’s six-week’s pregnant.

3. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just “walk it off.”

2. Has switched her shower song from “I Feel Pretty” to “Old Man River.”

1. Forget Nike and Reebok — he’s got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.