The Top 14 Best Uses of a Time Machine

14> Stop at 1995, pick up Jeff Gillooly, then continue on to September 1986 and pay a little visit to Bill Buckner.

13> “Noah! About the cockroaches… can we talk?”

12> OK, let’s admit it: We’re ALL thinking blackmail here.

11> Write “Geraldo sucks!” on every page of a leather-bound journal and place it in Al Capone’s vault.

10> Two words: Brontosaurus tipping

9> Screw the moral high ground. I’m going back to 1988 and nail that drunken cheerleader!

8> Prevent my grandfather from buying those pants.

7> Walk around telling crazy homeless people all about the future, just for kicks.

6> 9-month supply of Thalidomide milkshakes for the expectant Frau Hitler.

5> Mmm… Dodo-licious.

4> Travel to 1971 to save JFK. Then back to high school history class and pay attention this time.

3> Introduce Yoko Ono to Peter Frampton; kill two birds with one stone.

2> “While celebrating a successful bombing raid over Japan today, a young Navy pilot named George Bush was accidentally shot in the testicles by an unidentified fellow soldier.”

1> Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN — 1,2,3 (943rd #1, Hat Trick!, Topic, RU & HM Names, Hall Of Famer, List Owner)

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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]