Memo From God

Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education

From: God

Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.

Thank you for your support. Much obliged.

Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your
children shall beget children. And their children shall beget
children and their children’s children after them. And in time the
genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through
natural selection. Because that is how it works.

Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special
qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The
antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great
stupidity, so he doesn’t realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a

Use it, okay?

I admit I am not perfect. I’ve made errors. (Armpit hair–what was I
thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-
billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by
mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the
Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You
were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed
to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.

That’s what I made you for: To think.

The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they
got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecision�s. For one thing,
they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat
Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany
entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of
timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all
out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are
not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as
though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur’s toe, you’re not
supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You’re not big,
drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no
fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think
about it.

It’s okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That’s why I like
Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat
frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from
other organisms, it means I don’t exist. I have to admit this is a
reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of
thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and
see where it leads you. That’s all I have to say right now, except
that I’m really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA,
and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?

Oh, wait. There’s one more thing.

Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia
dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back
further than ever before? Primitive, multicolor animals on Earth
nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling
muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA.
Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so
sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder
who could have thought of something like that, back then.

Just something to gnaw on.