Hangover Rating System

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are
able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The
coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on
your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are
costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and
so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were
in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with
Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage
Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk.
You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the
following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time
machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your
computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your
shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn
either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is
suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very