Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Room is spinning.

Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.

Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.

Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.

Fault : Drooling on yourself.

Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.

Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.

Fault : You’re at a circus.

Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.

Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC!!