College Essay

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant
applying to colleges/universities. The author of this essay,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU

ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED
TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an
abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.

Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I
balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot
to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning
clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Can you believe this???