A peek at Martha Stewart’s 1997 Calendar

Jan 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.

Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.

Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.

Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.

Jan 14: Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself

Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.