Women’s Language

A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing”
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing”
usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and
end with a huffy “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
“Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t
care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few
minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to
you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over “Nothing.”

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
“Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night.”
If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and “Go ahead” followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT’S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
“That’s OK” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a
“That’s OK.”

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, “You’re
welcome.”

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks
A LOT,” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
“Loud Sigh,” as she will only
say “Nothing.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…