The Top 15 Signs Your Prom Date May Have a Transplanted Monkey Brain

15> After the prom, he insists on taking you to the top of the Empire State Building.

14> Instead of leaving it in the dumpster, carries her newly delivered baby to the top of the nearest fake palm tree and flings it into the horror-stricken crowd.

13> The evening ends in the ER after she tries to peel your erection.

12> Pins the corsage to your lapel with her feet.

11> Arrives to pick you up on a unicycle.

10> Day job is as typist in office with 999,999 other playwrights.

9> His apish hooting and chair throwing have offended even Bobby Knight.

8> Insists you call him Doctor Zaias.

7> Just as you’re about to let him get to second base during the slow dance, Charlton Heston bursts in and screams, “Get your paws off her, you DAMN DIRTY APE!!”

6> Tux? Check.

Corsage? Check.

Diaper and roller skates? Uh-oh.

5> Keeps threatening people with “Just wait until my next bowel movement!”

4> Ends the evening early by saying, “I’m sorry, Pongo, but I promised Mrs. Goodall I’d have you back by Midnight.”

3> It takes ten chaperones waving shiny objects to get her down from the scoreboard.

2> When the DJ played “Shock The Monkey,” he curled into a fetal position and screamed, “I’M NOT GOING BACK!”

1> You have your assistant Jim loosen her up with tranquilizer darts before the big slow dance.

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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]