The Top 15 Scenes in “The Passion of the Scientolgists”

15> Twenty agonizing minutes of Nicole Kidman brutally beating Tom Cruise with an e-meter.

14> The “On this rock I will build my church,” speech uttered by P. T. Barnum.

13> A shirtless John Travolta is whipped bloody with the raw film stock of “Battlefield: Earth.”

12> Tom Cruise is sentenced to a lifetime of physical torture by Pontius Pilates.

11> L. Ron being nailed by the tax collectors.

10> A gripping metaphorical chariot race from the city of Engramemnon to the State of Clear between the reluctant hero Cognitus and his rival Banquo Accounticus.

9> Searching for the promised land, Tom Cruise’s brain cells launch an exodus from his head.

8> L. Ron Hubbard storms into the temple to show the money-changers how it’s done.

7> The prophet’s explanation of the religion and the accompanying plague of laughter.

6> John Travolta denies being gay three times.

5> The fleecing of the flock, during which L. Ron astonishes his followers by turning water into dihydrogen monoxide.

4> Mary Magdalene tells Tom Cruise’s Jesus, “You had me at ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.'”

3> With only three fish and a couple loaves of bread, L. Ron feeds the multitudes a line of complete bullshit.

2> Suspended in martyrdom on the cross, Tom Cruise finally realizes his dream of experiencing what it’s like to see over people’s heads.

1> During the last supper, John Travolta *really* puts away the spaghetti.

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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]