The cat’s chalkboard assignments

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that
the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases
of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around
for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the
other cat’s vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
Kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5:30 A.M.,
bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
Sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers,
wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
Floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby’s mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people’s shoes, bathtub, my Dad’s collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble
floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human’s
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] Is not cat food?
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] Is not a bed?
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people’s wedding, piano strings, Mommy’s sock drawer, the inside of the antique
radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] are not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human’s toes; my human’s male genital organ (see “Robin
Williams, Live at the Met”); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on
the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in
something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy’s snow white lace garter
from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.