Sibling Stories

From Matt Groening’s “Big Book Of Hell”, here are: ‘Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me’…

The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn’t stuffed, ya know. He’s sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you don’t believe me, why don’t you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there’s a little door, and behind that little door, there’s a boogey-man, and he’s set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And they’re baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: There’s some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights. Bro/Sis: This time we won’t.

The Snowflake Story Bro/Sis: Well I’ll be!! Identical snowflakes!! You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!! Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo You: Hey!! This isn’t Bambi!! Bro/Sis: This’s better’n Bambi.

The Elf Bro/Sis: I’d like you to meet Tom. You: I don’t see anybody. Bro/Sis: Tom’s invisible. You: Oh sure. Bro/Sis: He’s an elf. If you’re nice to him, he’ll give you three wishes. You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later Bro/Sis: I don’t remember doing any of that stuff to you. Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.