Crazy Time Virus Warning

Folks, I don’t normally send out virus warnings, but this one is
extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!

If you receive an email entitled “Crazy Times” delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s
you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind
your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key

If the “Crazy Times” message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing
it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.